I've been doing pretty good at holding it together, since the news about Chris; I mean, it's hard to make posts you know he'd be the first one to laugh at or respond to, and to walk past his road and know that he's not there, anymore; to expect to see him playing with Len on the lawns outside the Astoria... and he never is.
It's hard, and I think about him every day, but I hold it together. But today, walking to physio past the park where I used to see him with Len, the song in the video above came on; and it really took a hell of a lot of effort not to burst into tears. I truly felt absolutely shattered, and being in the pain management group for two hours was really difficult - the last place I felt like being was around other people.
On the way home, listening to music on random - as I had been before - a specific song came on twice in the mix. It was I'm Not Down by The Clash, which I didn't even realise I had on my phone.
Before I knew him, Chris had been through a lot; things most people never back down from. But he was one of the happiest and most positive people I've ever met. And I kind of like to think that it was a message telling me to cheer up. Both Rise Against and The Clash were bands he would have approved of.
I found out a few hours later that they confirmed the date of his funeral, today.
Seems fitting, all things considered.
I miss you both. xo