then i guess that nothing i can say could justify myself in this situation.
here's the thing -- being edge wasn't a lifestyle choice for me at first, it was a necessity. like i needed to learn how to have fun & be free & confident without the help of inebriation, because that's just a dangerous slope. i'm not naturally confident, didn't have friends, sucked at socialising, alcohol made it easy. long story short, i made a conscious decision to stop drinking so i could -- be better at being me, i suppose. because i'd drink in shit company before, with people who didn't like me in the morning & people who made me do stupid things & i was always humiliated & sick the next day & it was just bad.
anyway. i'm also no good at making my own decisions, & it took a christian non-drinker to tell me, hey, you don't HAVE to drink to have fun, okay. & i'm a person who has role-models. people in bands who i respect & admire (gerard, andy) didn't drink, & i wanted to be like them. my mother, who i respect & admire, doesn't drink, & i'd rather be like her than like my smoking, drinking father. my sister, who means the world to me, doesn't drink & probably never will, & i've always wanted to be like her. then there were the people on lj who i respected & admired, confident people doing their own shit, jen & you especially, & i wanted to be like that too. so it was, like. a combination of all of that.
i started uni wanting to be a new person. i got my tattoo in chicago, i am one, to remind myself that i am my own fucking person who doesn't need to do what other people do, but i need to make my own fucking decisions for once. also, i decided, i said to myself, if i manage to make friends at university, people who will like me no matter what, i will drink again, because they will be people i can trust myself with, people who will still want to talk to me in the morning (& that was always the thing that hurt the most, when they didn't.)
so. that's what happened. there were parties, there were drinks, & i drank. i don't even know if 'drinking responsibly' is a fucking contradictory term to begin with, but i guess i tried that. some of my flatmates have been totally hammered, & there's been throwing up & shit, & i still refuse to get to that point, & i still end up being the person who takes care of other people, talking to them & comforting them when they're a drunken state of tears, & i'm not stupid enough to drink myself sick, & have never had a hangover. i know that probably doesn't justify it at all to you, but there it is.
i don't know. most people stop drinking to take control of their lives. i started drinking again to achieve the very same thing, & i'm perfectly aware that it's probably incredibly stupid - there are less self destructive things you can do than drinking alcohol to make you feel like you're your own person. & i guess the fact that i haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone is testimony to the fact that i have leftover guilt, & that deep down, i still see drinking as a bad thing.
hence, i'm still conflicted. i understand how you'd be disappointed, dude, & i guess i really am sorry, but i hope it's not something you're going to judge me for to the extent of like, banishing me from you. i still respect who you are & what you stand for, & like i said before, you're one of the people who motivated me to stop drinking in the first place. i guess i just wanted to let go & do my own fucking thing for once.
but. i don't know. i keep thinking about it, & there's this thing tugging me back. *shrugs* i still feel guilty, & i still can't tell anyone.
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on 2008-11-03 02:01 am (UTC)here's the thing -- being edge wasn't a lifestyle choice for me at first, it was a necessity. like i needed to learn how to have fun & be free & confident without the help of inebriation, because that's just a dangerous slope. i'm not naturally confident, didn't have friends, sucked at socialising, alcohol made it easy. long story short, i made a conscious decision to stop drinking so i could -- be better at being me, i suppose. because i'd drink in shit company before, with people who didn't like me in the morning & people who made me do stupid things & i was always humiliated & sick the next day & it was just bad.
anyway. i'm also no good at making my own decisions, & it took a christian non-drinker to tell me, hey, you don't HAVE to drink to have fun, okay. & i'm a person who has role-models. people in bands who i respect & admire (gerard, andy) didn't drink, & i wanted to be like them. my mother, who i respect & admire, doesn't drink, & i'd rather be like her than like my smoking, drinking father. my sister, who means the world to me, doesn't drink & probably never will, & i've always wanted to be like her. then there were the people on lj who i respected & admired, confident people doing their own shit, jen & you especially, & i wanted to be like that too. so it was, like. a combination of all of that.
i started uni wanting to be a new person. i got my tattoo in chicago, i am one, to remind myself that i am my own fucking person who doesn't need to do what other people do, but i need to make my own fucking decisions for once. also, i decided, i said to myself, if i manage to make friends at university, people who will like me no matter what, i will drink again, because they will be people i can trust myself with, people who will still want to talk to me in the morning (& that was always the thing that hurt the most, when they didn't.)
so. that's what happened. there were parties, there were drinks, & i drank. i don't even know if 'drinking responsibly' is a fucking contradictory term to begin with, but i guess i tried that. some of my flatmates have been totally hammered, & there's been throwing up & shit, & i still refuse to get to that point, & i still end up being the person who takes care of other people, talking to them & comforting them when they're a drunken state of tears, & i'm not stupid enough to drink myself sick, & have never had a hangover. i know that probably doesn't justify it at all to you, but there it is.
i don't know. most people stop drinking to take control of their lives. i started drinking again to achieve the very same thing, & i'm perfectly aware that it's probably incredibly stupid - there are less self destructive things you can do than drinking alcohol to make you feel like you're your own person. & i guess the fact that i haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone is testimony to the fact that i have leftover guilt, & that deep down, i still see drinking as a bad thing.
hence, i'm still conflicted. i understand how you'd be disappointed, dude, & i guess i really am sorry, but i hope it's not something you're going to judge me for to the extent of like, banishing me from you. i still respect who you are & what you stand for, & like i said before, you're one of the people who motivated me to stop drinking in the first place. i guess i just wanted to let go & do my own fucking thing for once.
but. i don't know. i keep thinking about it, & there's this thing tugging me back. *shrugs* i still feel guilty, & i still can't tell anyone.