This Is Not A Democracy

I really should update this journal more regularly. At present, I only seem to when I feel vaguely miserable. Which, of course, is my purpose for updating now.

I'm not sure why, entirely. I spent the day at coffee with the usual suspects and was all set to go to Elise's stand up gig, but as we were sitting in Cafe Nero (which I always loathe) I was just overcome with a resounding sense of meh. I decided to come home, instead.

At work, there is a new guy in the YD. He sits near the fax and photocopier, and he reminds me of a certain actor I am very fond of and who shall remain nameless for the time being. I was struck by this, and it was the reason I initially noticed him. Then, when spending several minutes sending through course information to my customers (something like thirty or forty numbers, so I was there a while) he came over to do some photocopying and started talking to me. I managed to hold my own through my terror, although I think I may have told him a little bit more about why I was faxing things than was strictly necessary.

He's rather cute. The actor I am referring to is not one of your Brad Pitts or Johnny Depps, he is a relatively average, but none the less attractive young man - not someone you would be intimidated by. I want to like the guy in YD, who does have a name, and I would like him to like me but I am terrified after Nathaniel. Nathaniel could have been wearing an 'I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE YOUR BABIES' t-shirt for all the signals everyone read into his reactions toward me, and it turned out he wasn't interested at all.

I'm a little ashamed that his rejection was in part what made me decide to grow my hair. I felt that I was too boyish when it was short, and now that it is longer and I look unquestionably more feminine, I still lack the confidence to believe that I might be attractive to someone. It's a pity. I'm not insecure in the sense that I feel I can never do anything right and no one likes me, but I'm insecure in the respect that the concept of someone ever been attracted to me, now, feels beyond comprehension. And yet, at the same time, I can acknowledge that I should, in theory, be a fantastic 'catch'. I'm generous, affectionate, laid back, independent, interested in 'boy things' like guns and planes and I have enormous breasts. What's not to like?

Why am I watching VH1 Classic's 'Every Number One of the 80s' on a Saturday night (on my own)? It really is pathetic.

I'm not even sure the guy in YD is straight. Yes, I've caught him looking at me a few times, and no, I don't think he's going to stand there and chat me up in front of the rest of his department, but he wore what we'll call a rather slim-fit baby-blue t-shirt on Friday and that made me wonder. He has quite a fashionable haircut as well, which means he has to be at least a bit metrosexual and I'm not sure I want a guy like that. No man who spends more money on their hair than I do is someone I can invision myself even liking, let alone having any actual affection for.

But he wears little spectacles when he's using the computer and that is just adorable, in my book.

It's actually ridiculous that this bothers me at all, as I know so little about him. It's just the prospect of finding myself in the sort of crush situation I had with Nathaniel, but at work. I'll have to see him every day...

And yet, at the same times there's a little bit of hope that that would make it easier. But I'm still so scared.